My life is so fucked up right now...
I am moving from MY home today so Rick's ex can move in tomorrow.
It is not all as bad as that statement sounds least not to me.. to some it still is but to me it is not,
I actually told him he should do this. why ?
I have always known that he was not fully over Annette... I always knew that if she got sober he would wonder what if... The day came..
IF what he tells me and how he has been acting is true then he will be back at the latest the first part of March... as he has promised..Like with Mike: If not everything was a lie.. I never really knew this man that I am now in love with.
Everything in my heart tells me he is... I prepare for if he is not but everything says he is... I have visions of him returning... Tyler does.. I have so far 27 things as to what makes me think he is coming back.
I need a nap... talk when I can wont have internet for a LONG while so it maybe a while before I can write..
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
11/25/2013
This could end up being either the best day of my life or the worst the jury is out on that.
Rick is going to talk to Annette today He is considering going back to her? Why after all she did to him how he could choose that is beyond me.
If he is choosing to to leave me I am letting him go with the possibility to come back once he is FULLY over her.
I know that makes me Stupid as all hell but i can't help it. I love him and in some ways this is my fault because i knew he was still not over Annette. I always knew that it was going to happen that he would go back to her. I can only hope that IF he chooses her that this will be the LAST and final straw.
Dear Father God.. I need your help to keep Rick. If that is what you want Father. I pray you will sway his heart to choose me. I can't take another loss Father I have LOST way to much in such a short time. Please I beg you. I know I have no right to ask anything of you.
After talking to her he does not he wants to go back to her because he is afraid that if he doesn't he will always wonder what if. I don't know if I want to live knowing he regrets not going back to her?
How could he want to go back to her..
Rick is going to talk to Annette today He is considering going back to her? Why after all she did to him how he could choose that is beyond me.
If he is choosing to to leave me I am letting him go with the possibility to come back once he is FULLY over her.
I know that makes me Stupid as all hell but i can't help it. I love him and in some ways this is my fault because i knew he was still not over Annette. I always knew that it was going to happen that he would go back to her. I can only hope that IF he chooses her that this will be the LAST and final straw.
Dear Father God.. I need your help to keep Rick. If that is what you want Father. I pray you will sway his heart to choose me. I can't take another loss Father I have LOST way to much in such a short time. Please I beg you. I know I have no right to ask anything of you.
After talking to her he does not he wants to go back to her because he is afraid that if he doesn't he will always wonder what if. I don't know if I want to live knowing he regrets not going back to her?
How could he want to go back to her..
- He said I have done for him then she has
- He said that I was there for him in 3 years then she ever was in 10
- He said I brought him more peace then she ever did in 10 years
- He said that his friends said he was happier now with me
Why would he want to go back to less then when he has more with me.
I am considering whether or not to stay in the house.
looks like I am the only one moving... Because his mom hates me and wants him back with Annette
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
11/20/2013
Rick is leaving today.
His uncle is dying. He is sure he is getting the house. When he picked me up he told me that he was going down there and I could not go with. His family would not accept me. OUCH!! I couldn't go anyway I have to work and working mornings there is no way I could find anyone to cover my shift. I think he is ashamed of me that is why he never brought me near his family. I think he is leaving me. We fought when I asked what we are doing about Justin getting that puppy. He thinks I care more about the puppy. I didn't want to upset Justin I work with him. I didn't need my job to become a hostile place. Rick is treating me like I am a heartless bitch. I told him I was leaving.. He said he is getting the house so he is packing to leave. I thought we worked things out.. However when I asked if he was coming back he didn't say I would never leave you. He said if he was leaving for good he would be taking his computer. I paid for half of that but I guess that does not matter.
He keeps throwing Mike up in my face. He talks to Annette he even tells her he loves her. I am supposed to be ok but IF I talk to Mike I am leaving him. He said that is why I said what I said about Justin. I don't want Mike back. I could never trust him. I could never deal with his mother. He smokes.. ish not doing that again. I don't even love him.. Yeah it is nice having someone to talk to when everyone else is to busy for me. But that is all it is. To stop the drama though I am going to not talk to him anymore. I will have to keep his number on my phone so I know not to answer his calls or texts.
He took 90 dollars from Justin for that puppy.
.HE is also "borrowing" the Ipad that he just gave me. I have a bad feeling about all that. I am hoping I am wrong but accidents happen to Rick more then most.
His uncle is dying. He is sure he is getting the house. When he picked me up he told me that he was going down there and I could not go with. His family would not accept me. OUCH!! I couldn't go anyway I have to work and working mornings there is no way I could find anyone to cover my shift. I think he is ashamed of me that is why he never brought me near his family. I think he is leaving me. We fought when I asked what we are doing about Justin getting that puppy. He thinks I care more about the puppy. I didn't want to upset Justin I work with him. I didn't need my job to become a hostile place. Rick is treating me like I am a heartless bitch. I told him I was leaving.. He said he is getting the house so he is packing to leave. I thought we worked things out.. However when I asked if he was coming back he didn't say I would never leave you. He said if he was leaving for good he would be taking his computer. I paid for half of that but I guess that does not matter.
He keeps throwing Mike up in my face. He talks to Annette he even tells her he loves her. I am supposed to be ok but IF I talk to Mike I am leaving him. He said that is why I said what I said about Justin. I don't want Mike back. I could never trust him. I could never deal with his mother. He smokes.. ish not doing that again. I don't even love him.. Yeah it is nice having someone to talk to when everyone else is to busy for me. But that is all it is. To stop the drama though I am going to not talk to him anymore. I will have to keep his number on my phone so I know not to answer his calls or texts.
He took 90 dollars from Justin for that puppy.
.HE is also "borrowing" the Ipad that he just gave me. I have a bad feeling about all that. I am hoping I am wrong but accidents happen to Rick more then most.
Monday, November 18, 2013
11/18/2013
The drama bleeds over to today.
Rick left for work at 8:30 and went to Paws only to find out he can't work until he talks to Michelle. We both think that is loosing his Job. I still wonder if he REALLY had a job or if it was all just a lie to keep from working at Noodle. Hard to tell. They promised him 25 hours a week and he didn't even get that last week.
Talked to Mike yesterday. I think in his own way he is trying to get me back just more now not as obvious as before. Tells me he is going back to Hope church. Tells me that he is getting his licence. Little things to make himself seem more inciting I think. However at the same time telling me Rick is a good man and would never hurt me like he did. Though he does not know it yet Rick has already. I read a text Rick deleted telling Annette that he loves her. He deleted it before I could see it and because he did that I know he is hiding more then he is telling me. Other wise why would he delete it and I know he sent her something that he lies to me about. I did tell Mike I might be moving out I am lonely here and I might as well be lonly living on my own then with someone who can't value me.
Then Rick brings me home a Ipad. Interesting? Chenoa moved out left a bunch of stuff including a Ipad that the school up here gave her. It is now mine. Least it is until Rick takes it back to give to Aleah only a matter of time. These people always wiggle themselves back into his life.
It is off to work a short shift but after work I am going to go clean Chenoa's apartment and see what other goodies we can get. I know that Judy is going before us so I am sure she will help herself to stuff before we get there.
Work went well. Except that Sharon told me no staff at Paws gets paid .. I have had my doubts as to whether RICK really has a job and hearing that points me to the conclusion he faked a job to get out a REAL job so he could play everquest. That my friend is BULL SHIT!! I love him but I can't handle all the inconsistencies..
After work we were supposed to go to Chenoa's old apartment to clean and pack up the stuff she said we could have. I started going through a closet of stuff she said we could have and Rick snapped at me not to that we would do it tomorrow. I work from 6-1 tomorrow so I know my ass will be dragging tomorrow I went through a few things Judy (rick's mom) came and tried to shove me out of the way so she could look at snapped at her not to push me. Rick snapped at me again for looking. So I picked up Bella (our new puppy) and went in the other room leaving Judy to snoop. Rick snapped at her too... Then I made two comments about Chenoa infront of her son... I don't think they were bad but Rick snapped at me. Protecting his precious Chenoa.
I said
1. She should have just stayed in Superior it would have saved everyone one a lot of time.
Happy she is going to treatment finally but she could have started that when she was down there.
2. Her place is NASTY. She complained about how bad my place was. her place was every bit as bad as mine. She had no right to bitch.
So yeah because Precious Chenoa is going to treatment and finally getting her life together I am not allowed to say one bad word against her. She can talk all the shit about me she wants and NO ONE says a damn word to her but I said two things about her and OMG I am a bitch.
They all can go FUCK THEMSELVES. Rick included. I am SO FUCKING PISSED.
Rick left for work at 8:30 and went to Paws only to find out he can't work until he talks to Michelle. We both think that is loosing his Job. I still wonder if he REALLY had a job or if it was all just a lie to keep from working at Noodle. Hard to tell. They promised him 25 hours a week and he didn't even get that last week.
Talked to Mike yesterday. I think in his own way he is trying to get me back just more now not as obvious as before. Tells me he is going back to Hope church. Tells me that he is getting his licence. Little things to make himself seem more inciting I think. However at the same time telling me Rick is a good man and would never hurt me like he did. Though he does not know it yet Rick has already. I read a text Rick deleted telling Annette that he loves her. He deleted it before I could see it and because he did that I know he is hiding more then he is telling me. Other wise why would he delete it and I know he sent her something that he lies to me about. I did tell Mike I might be moving out I am lonely here and I might as well be lonly living on my own then with someone who can't value me.
Then Rick brings me home a Ipad. Interesting? Chenoa moved out left a bunch of stuff including a Ipad that the school up here gave her. It is now mine. Least it is until Rick takes it back to give to Aleah only a matter of time. These people always wiggle themselves back into his life.
It is off to work a short shift but after work I am going to go clean Chenoa's apartment and see what other goodies we can get. I know that Judy is going before us so I am sure she will help herself to stuff before we get there.
Work went well. Except that Sharon told me no staff at Paws gets paid .. I have had my doubts as to whether RICK really has a job and hearing that points me to the conclusion he faked a job to get out a REAL job so he could play everquest. That my friend is BULL SHIT!! I love him but I can't handle all the inconsistencies..
After work we were supposed to go to Chenoa's old apartment to clean and pack up the stuff she said we could have. I started going through a closet of stuff she said we could have and Rick snapped at me not to that we would do it tomorrow. I work from 6-1 tomorrow so I know my ass will be dragging tomorrow I went through a few things Judy (rick's mom) came and tried to shove me out of the way so she could look at snapped at her not to push me. Rick snapped at me again for looking. So I picked up Bella (our new puppy) and went in the other room leaving Judy to snoop. Rick snapped at her too... Then I made two comments about Chenoa infront of her son... I don't think they were bad but Rick snapped at me. Protecting his precious Chenoa.
I said
1. She should have just stayed in Superior it would have saved everyone one a lot of time.
Happy she is going to treatment finally but she could have started that when she was down there.
2. Her place is NASTY. She complained about how bad my place was. her place was every bit as bad as mine. She had no right to bitch.
So yeah because Precious Chenoa is going to treatment and finally getting her life together I am not allowed to say one bad word against her. She can talk all the shit about me she wants and NO ONE says a damn word to her but I said two things about her and OMG I am a bitch.
They all can go FUCK THEMSELVES. Rick included. I am SO FUCKING PISSED.
Friday, November 15, 2013
11/15/2013
We were supposed to go down to Superior tomorrow to pick up Jusinis new puppy Bella's sister.
However that was postponed due to the fact that Justin didn't get his check and wont be getting it until Wednesday. All good I was a bit nervous about seeing my ex husband we are supposed to go there so Rick can fix his computer. I am nervous about seeing him because I don't want him to think my life went to pot because he walked out on me.. I want him to see me and see that I am better for him going. If that makes any sense. I have gained some weight so I am really nervous about seeing him. Not that I can drop 60 lbs in a week.
Sharon got her dog. I am hoping that whole drama is over and done. She said she would write out a statement that Rick never once tried to sell her the dog. She told Michelle that never was said.
Tried to spend time with Rick but Eq was more important. Hate that game when it is his whole life.
However that was postponed due to the fact that Justin didn't get his check and wont be getting it until Wednesday. All good I was a bit nervous about seeing my ex husband we are supposed to go there so Rick can fix his computer. I am nervous about seeing him because I don't want him to think my life went to pot because he walked out on me.. I want him to see me and see that I am better for him going. If that makes any sense. I have gained some weight so I am really nervous about seeing him. Not that I can drop 60 lbs in a week.
Sharon got her dog. I am hoping that whole drama is over and done. She said she would write out a statement that Rick never once tried to sell her the dog. She told Michelle that never was said.
Tried to spend time with Rick but Eq was more important. Hate that game when it is his whole life.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
11/14/2013
Yesterday's Drama: Rick took a foster We will call her Moogy..
As per Rick he brought Moogy with him when he came to pick me up. One of my managers seen her and fell and love and wanted her. She went down paid the two hundred dollars they gave her a receipt. THEN said she could not have the dog. Why? supposedly she was willing to lie on the application giving her son's address. They knew this before they took her money. Sue a woman who works for the shelter said she claimed Rick tried to sell her the dog in the parking lot of McDonald's. Cant see Sharon doing that. They told Sharon Rick made a big stink. HE did ONLY because he was mighty offended that they would ask Sharon if Rick tried to take money for the dog right on the spot. Shoron is going to sew Paws for taking her money but not letting her have the dog. Of course that Drama from yesterday bled into today when I went to work I am glad it did not affect my relationship with Sharon.
Today's Drama Chenoa is moving tried to stick Rick with the bill saying he should have never vouched for her. OMG what a bitch. Happy the bitch is moving away and going to Superior. Rick says he is done talking to her we will see he has said that a few times already and for what ever reason keeps talking to the bitch even though she ALWAYS treats him like crap. Sad news she has my roaster I need for Thanksgiving and I am sure I am not going to get it back. Nice that Rick borrowed it out and didn't talk to me.
Bad enough I borrowed her my sheets and she never gave them back.
Monday, November 11, 2013
11-11-2013
Woke up this morning did my normal morning stuff.. Went to grab my phone for work got a call from Mike (the ex husband) LOL GRRR It says I love you.
I told him not to do that... (he said that was for his mom?)
Went to work that went well David said that He likes working breakfast with me. I hope that means more hours.
My boss was Rude to me today was trying to help her learn a new sandwich and she put her hand up and Said we got it. total dismal like. OMG how Fucking rude!! she later apologized. which as a HOLY SHIT move because Lori never apologizes to anyone.
McDonald's Helping hands started today I sold 33 of them I am in the lead!! HECK yeah. I rock...
My till was over by 13 dollars and I don't know how that could have happened I am normally so careful. I don't get it.
I told him not to do that... (he said that was for his mom?)
Went to work that went well David said that He likes working breakfast with me. I hope that means more hours.
My boss was Rude to me today was trying to help her learn a new sandwich and she put her hand up and Said we got it. total dismal like. OMG how Fucking rude!! she later apologized. which as a HOLY SHIT move because Lori never apologizes to anyone.
McDonald's Helping hands started today I sold 33 of them I am in the lead!! HECK yeah. I rock...
My till was over by 13 dollars and I don't know how that could have happened I am normally so careful. I don't get it.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
11*10*2013
Rick had me tell him what was going on.
he said he was going to quit smoking... how he does not have what he needs. His mom.. wont give him her quit smoking patches even though she does not use them. I am the one who paid for them. Even though the woman has stolen his steals his chew.. This pisses me off to to no means.
Work went well I was on back drive. I sold cookies though it was not busy so it is not like I set any records or anything.
I got off work a bit after 2. Came home. Rick was much more attentive. I know it wont last it never does. Which frustrates me but right now I am good. I am real tired though and need to get to bed.
Been playing with my new camera. I have a picture of the new puppy
he said he was going to quit smoking... how he does not have what he needs. His mom.. wont give him her quit smoking patches even though she does not use them. I am the one who paid for them. Even though the woman has stolen his steals his chew.. This pisses me off to to no means.
Work went well I was on back drive. I sold cookies though it was not busy so it is not like I set any records or anything.
I got off work a bit after 2. Came home. Rick was much more attentive. I know it wont last it never does. Which frustrates me but right now I am good. I am real tired though and need to get to bed.
Been playing with my new camera. I have a picture of the new puppy
Here is a good one of Odin.
They were funny on my bed earlier I was holding Bella and both Bella and Odin were whining . It was way to funny. I don't know why Odin was whining. Was it that he smelled his mom on her.. and he misses his mom? Was it that he wanted her to play? I don't know.. it annoyed Rick but I thought it was funny.
11-10-2013 WHY I WANT TO MOVE OUT
You don't want to spend time with me unless it is on your terms
- You said it was because you were not interested in the things I watch or what ever. So I record things for you to watch. YOU STILL DON'T SPEND TIME WITH ME
- So then you said it was because I always BITCH when you spend time with me (Not true) I say nothing and guess what YOU STILL DON'T SPEND TIME WITH ME
- You are busy but as soon as your not busy. YOU STILL DON'T SPEND TIME WITH ME
- Every time I bring up that we have issues I am a bitch or I am bitching. This fixes nothing
- I wrote you cards per your request of things I resented you for You were supposed to sit down and discuss them with me but you never did so I gave them to you. YOU NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT THEM
- When I do finally get to tell you what is wrong you make promises to fix things but it never happens. The only ones expected to change is me and the kids. I think we did more then our fair share.
- I still shop alone 90 percent of the time.
- You don't like it I don't either any more thank you I still spend most my time alone.
- Your still smoking.
- We never deal with anything relationship wise
- Smoking.. You SAY you want to quit but in realitly you don't. I know your smarter then I am but I AM NOT STUPID. You knew when we started this relationship that I NEVER WANTED TO DATE A SMOKER. You knew this I made it no secret. I have told you MANY times how it gets in the way of our relationship and fact is YOU DON'T want to quit because if you REALLY did I know you well enough to know it would happen.
You asked Tyler to help you to wean you down. YOU are smoking WAY more then he gives you.
I have waited for you to quit with every promise and it is only getting worst not better. It gets better for about a week or two but it goes right back.
WHY: Because you don't REALLY want to quit - Just like you never really wanted to get married.
YOU SAID " I will marry you but I wont be living long" Knowing full well I would call off the wedding I would have to be a heartless bitch not to. However you STILL eat JUNK> YOU smoke a TON. IF YOU REALLY cared about your health you would have
Started working out
Stopped smoking
Eat better.. (You can eat just as healthy with out all the money -that is a cop out) You eat way to big a portions and your need for sweets is what is killing you.
Friday, November 8, 2013
10/08/2013
Woke up at 5 am I will be doing breakfast next week so I I want to get used to getting up early for work..
At 6 am Rick and I left to Superior to save Hades a pup of Case's That Missy and Andy ended up with. Missy was threatening to take him to the pound to day so we had to save him. Once there Rick decides we are taking a puppy I named Bella. A grey blue nose pit. She wines every bit as much as Odin. OMG! Cody wants to keep her but if that falls threw I have a buyer for her.
Came back from Superior went to work. From work home... DID RICK SPEND TIME WITH ME TODAY now that he is not SUPER busy... OH HELL NO> HE is playing EVERQUEST.... Why his reason it keeps him awake... Yeah what the hell ever. It just shows how much important that is then I am. I was trying to talk to him in the truck.. He was so rude booted me out so he could turn the truck around spouting he was to tired... Went to Ed's to give them the key... Then went to paws and then came home to play his precious game after he has blown me off all Fucking week because he was to busy...
Of course I am treated like a fucking ATM... wants money for this and that not giving a crap that I wanted something with my money yet again. I was supposed to pay for is Everquest expansion now the third time since we been together. Buy things for the truck that will will more then likely be taken away ... The car that we just baught needs stuff. (Did I tell you he is selling his van that I paid for and paid to fix but his friend he is selling it to is making payements (don't know these people but think that is not a good idea))
I am not paying for his everquest he got all moody and said not to pay for it. said " I guess I don't deserve to play" what ever. I am tired of putting his wants and needs before my own. I have been waiting for my camera's back for 3 years... Been waiting to buy a NICE camera for almost 4. But always what he wants comes first and I am so sick of it.
At 6 am Rick and I left to Superior to save Hades a pup of Case's That Missy and Andy ended up with. Missy was threatening to take him to the pound to day so we had to save him. Once there Rick decides we are taking a puppy I named Bella. A grey blue nose pit. She wines every bit as much as Odin. OMG! Cody wants to keep her but if that falls threw I have a buyer for her.
Came back from Superior went to work. From work home... DID RICK SPEND TIME WITH ME TODAY now that he is not SUPER busy... OH HELL NO> HE is playing EVERQUEST.... Why his reason it keeps him awake... Yeah what the hell ever. It just shows how much important that is then I am. I was trying to talk to him in the truck.. He was so rude booted me out so he could turn the truck around spouting he was to tired... Went to Ed's to give them the key... Then went to paws and then came home to play his precious game after he has blown me off all Fucking week because he was to busy...
Of course I am treated like a fucking ATM... wants money for this and that not giving a crap that I wanted something with my money yet again. I was supposed to pay for is Everquest expansion now the third time since we been together. Buy things for the truck that will will more then likely be taken away ... The car that we just baught needs stuff. (Did I tell you he is selling his van that I paid for and paid to fix but his friend he is selling it to is making payements (don't know these people but think that is not a good idea))
I am not paying for his everquest he got all moody and said not to pay for it. said " I guess I don't deserve to play" what ever. I am tired of putting his wants and needs before my own. I have been waiting for my camera's back for 3 years... Been waiting to buy a NICE camera for almost 4. But always what he wants comes first and I am so sick of it.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
10/07/13
It is 1:37 am can't sleep..
No real reason why just can't sleep I am going back to bed here soon.
I had my review yesterday out of a possible 20 cent raise i got 15 cents.. I think that is pretty darn good if you ask me. I am also told that Misty my head boss said I should be crew Trainer... This makes me VERY happy. I always thought she didn't like me much. In other good news I got more hours next week looking at 28 hours. Sherry who started when I did only gets 12 still. So I guess I am doing well.
Rick has found new friends Ed and April. They take up most his time these days. They seem like good people I don't get any bad vibes of them. But after working at McDonald's all day there are many times I don't want to socialize with them. He wants to socialize with them ALL the damn time. I don't know if I really want to make friends It never ends well for me. They always get pissed off at me for something. Since they are Rick's friends initially I don't feel right ruining it for him.
Rick still has not gotten paid for that Guitar. We are now almost $800 behind on the truck. He borrowed against it saying he would get paid and NEVER did. at this point I don't care if they take it. He never pays for it. He did finally get a job at Pasta Works. However he will only be working two days a week at first so that is not going to give him a whole lot of money not enough to save his Truck. I AM NOT paying for it out of MY tax money I paid for his crap for the past two years. I am not doing it the next two that is MY money and I am keeping it this time. I want things and this time I am getting them. He wants me to also finance a business for him and Ed I am not doing it. He wants to do that kinda thing he best come up with the money I have paid for enough of his business and it always ends bad. I want a camera one I was supposed to buy 3 years ago. I was also supposed to get a lot of other things that NEVER came to be. Hell he can't even make time for me. I also have to get MY bills paid up in case I want out of all this. Time to try and sleep...
I am DEEPLY upset. Coming home RICK asks me to call Affinity the people I got the loan for that damn truck and see if I could refinance the truck he was supposed to pay for but never has... The same truck that he keeps borrowing money from and expects me to make up the money for it. I am SO sick of it all. I was crying when I called them.. I called to tell him that it can't be refinanced .. However before I could say a word he told me he didn't have time to talk to me. So I hung up. Has time to make sure to get money from me.
Then I was hoping to make it that Cody could keep this new dog we are fostering I asked Rick to talk to Paws and see if he could work out something he said he would. Now a week later he never has. Now a adoptive family has been found. Poor Cody is heart broken. Rick wants me to take care of it. HE don't have time. He is to busy with Ed and April and Tom... HE can go FUCK himself. he don't have time for his family.
No real reason why just can't sleep I am going back to bed here soon.
I had my review yesterday out of a possible 20 cent raise i got 15 cents.. I think that is pretty darn good if you ask me. I am also told that Misty my head boss said I should be crew Trainer... This makes me VERY happy. I always thought she didn't like me much. In other good news I got more hours next week looking at 28 hours. Sherry who started when I did only gets 12 still. So I guess I am doing well.
Rick has found new friends Ed and April. They take up most his time these days. They seem like good people I don't get any bad vibes of them. But after working at McDonald's all day there are many times I don't want to socialize with them. He wants to socialize with them ALL the damn time. I don't know if I really want to make friends It never ends well for me. They always get pissed off at me for something. Since they are Rick's friends initially I don't feel right ruining it for him.
Rick still has not gotten paid for that Guitar. We are now almost $800 behind on the truck. He borrowed against it saying he would get paid and NEVER did. at this point I don't care if they take it. He never pays for it. He did finally get a job at Pasta Works. However he will only be working two days a week at first so that is not going to give him a whole lot of money not enough to save his Truck. I AM NOT paying for it out of MY tax money I paid for his crap for the past two years. I am not doing it the next two that is MY money and I am keeping it this time. I want things and this time I am getting them. He wants me to also finance a business for him and Ed I am not doing it. He wants to do that kinda thing he best come up with the money I have paid for enough of his business and it always ends bad. I want a camera one I was supposed to buy 3 years ago. I was also supposed to get a lot of other things that NEVER came to be. Hell he can't even make time for me. I also have to get MY bills paid up in case I want out of all this. Time to try and sleep...
I am DEEPLY upset. Coming home RICK asks me to call Affinity the people I got the loan for that damn truck and see if I could refinance the truck he was supposed to pay for but never has... The same truck that he keeps borrowing money from and expects me to make up the money for it. I am SO sick of it all. I was crying when I called them.. I called to tell him that it can't be refinanced .. However before I could say a word he told me he didn't have time to talk to me. So I hung up. Has time to make sure to get money from me.
Then I was hoping to make it that Cody could keep this new dog we are fostering I asked Rick to talk to Paws and see if he could work out something he said he would. Now a week later he never has. Now a adoptive family has been found. Poor Cody is heart broken. Rick wants me to take care of it. HE don't have time. He is to busy with Ed and April and Tom... HE can go FUCK himself. he don't have time for his family.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
11/03/2013
Been a busy couple of days.
Did I tell you I set down ground rules for Mike? No more I love you miss you Crap.
Night before last my boss Anna was beaten by her husband and his live in girlfriend. I am sure your saying WHAT THE FUCK like I did. I guess as she tells it he wanted a baby being old she can't do that any more. So she gave the ok to start sleeping with another woman so she could have his baby. However the woman has medical problems and can't get pregnant. I guess Anna and this man have been married 14 years he has hit her several times. Why woman stay with people who would dare hit them is beyond me. She is safe now I pray she will not go back to this man no matter how fucking sweet he is to her.
Anna was at work today she was in better spirts then yesterday. Listening to her cry I felt so bad for her.. It made me want to cry.
Met a man named Ramigo today. Now I am not Prejudice by all means. To me Nigger is not a color but a frame of mind. A Nigger will do what ever and hurt whom ever to get what they want. This man is a straight up NIGGER... He beat one woman .. Infront of his new woman he said " I keep my Whoes in line" Though that woman was not much better Had her Tiny baby out in the cold was just a blanket. Put her baby in the car and let her ass crack hang out for a GOOD long time.
Started work at 7 am. I was soo tired when I started even with the clocks set back an hour I was exhausted. I was only supposed to work till 2:30 but Josh asked me to stay till 4 so Misty his boss could get some work done.. I said yeah but my ass was already dragging so I was going to have some major skid marks on my back side. She left about 1 when she got a call that said her Grandfather was not going to make it poor woman. That has to be so hard for her.
Got off at 4 had to wait till Rick came to get me and again I had to buy everyone dinner. UGG!!
Did I tell you I set down ground rules for Mike? No more I love you miss you Crap.
Night before last my boss Anna was beaten by her husband and his live in girlfriend. I am sure your saying WHAT THE FUCK like I did. I guess as she tells it he wanted a baby being old she can't do that any more. So she gave the ok to start sleeping with another woman so she could have his baby. However the woman has medical problems and can't get pregnant. I guess Anna and this man have been married 14 years he has hit her several times. Why woman stay with people who would dare hit them is beyond me. She is safe now I pray she will not go back to this man no matter how fucking sweet he is to her.
Anna was at work today she was in better spirts then yesterday. Listening to her cry I felt so bad for her.. It made me want to cry.
Met a man named Ramigo today. Now I am not Prejudice by all means. To me Nigger is not a color but a frame of mind. A Nigger will do what ever and hurt whom ever to get what they want. This man is a straight up NIGGER... He beat one woman .. Infront of his new woman he said " I keep my Whoes in line" Though that woman was not much better Had her Tiny baby out in the cold was just a blanket. Put her baby in the car and let her ass crack hang out for a GOOD long time.
Started work at 7 am. I was soo tired when I started even with the clocks set back an hour I was exhausted. I was only supposed to work till 2:30 but Josh asked me to stay till 4 so Misty his boss could get some work done.. I said yeah but my ass was already dragging so I was going to have some major skid marks on my back side. She left about 1 when she got a call that said her Grandfather was not going to make it poor woman. That has to be so hard for her.
Got off at 4 had to wait till Rick came to get me and again I had to buy everyone dinner. UGG!!
Friday, November 1, 2013
11/01/2013
I had to text Mike some ground rules today.
No more of this he will always love me crap.. That he thinks of me misses me shit...
I find it to be very disrespectful that he would do that to my relationship with Rick... I told him of course Rick knows. I can't be mean and tell him not to call.. I just don't have it in me. I wont call him. I am ok with texting because it is not really real. But to CALL him well I just don't want to.
No more of this he will always love me crap.. That he thinks of me misses me shit...
I find it to be very disrespectful that he would do that to my relationship with Rick... I told him of course Rick knows. I can't be mean and tell him not to call.. I just don't have it in me. I wont call him. I am ok with texting because it is not really real. But to CALL him well I just don't want to.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
10/30/2013
Yesterday was interesting as hell.
Mike called me
Mike is my ex husband who left me for another woman and caused my life to fragment. Everything started with him leaving now with Rick I am trying to put the pieces of my shattered life back together again. Anyway he called to apologize we ended up talking for two hours. Updated him on what has been happening he told me he dreams of me. That he thinks of me often. Off and on I told him what all he did the damage he caused.
Rick thinks I am going to leave him to go back with him. I feel insulted that he would even go there with me. That he thinks I could be so hurtful not to mention stupid. How could I ever trust a guy who cheated on me.
1. HE CHEATED I could never trust him again.
2. He smokes never dating a smoker EVER again. When I started seeing Rick he wasn't a smoker but he started up again.
3. He lives with his mother that is almost as bad if not worst then living with Judy.
4. The boys hate him.
5. He lies
6. I LOVE RICK and want very much to make this work.
The only thing I liked about that relationship is He spent more time with me then Rick does. No matter how much I try Rick does not want to spend time with me. He says he does but he rather spend all flipping day on his computer then with me. I also miss having someone to shop with. Rick hates shopping I hate the check out part. He wins though I shop alone EVERY time.
Yesterday was also Cody's Birthday
I had to work so everything fell on Rick.
He made Cody his taco's they were really good
He made pumpkin Cake per Cody's request that was good
He made pie that was interesting not in a real good way. Not his fault just the recipe he used.
Cody's gifts didn't show up. That made me upset. The one was supposed to fed ex said they were leaving it by the door... Rick's wood for the guitar showed up but not the cd for Cody.
Tyler got bad news while getting lettuce for Cody's dinner he ran into a lady that works at paws she informed him that Romeo a cat he liked at the shelter was put to sleep in her words she didn't want to deal with his birth defect. (romeo couldn't hold his poop) Tyler is very devastated.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Later<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Work went well I am so tired though bearly any sleep.
Get to come home to Rick being all Emo about me talking to Mike. He wanted to me to talk to him. Though I am sure he didn't expect me to talk to him for two hours. Not like I have anyone one else wanting to talk to me.
Tempted to call him only because it was nice having someone to talk to. I wont though
1, I don't need him to think I want him back because I don't
Really to be friends with him would still be to painful.
2. I am sure most of what he told me was a lie.
3. I would never hurt Rick and though he wont admit it me talking to him does hurt him and causes him insecurities. Because I have WAY more respect for him then he does me I wont call Mike I am not sure I will even talk to him if he calls me.
I wont put myself in a position where I can fall in love with anyone else ever again. Mean as it looks now Rick wants nothing to really do with me. Trying to spend time with him is like pulling teeth. He pulls the whole this is how I am CRAP mike used to. That is how he chooses to be and if he chooses to be alone then why am I here. Really why am I here.
Instead of trying to fix things he would rather say I am leaving to be with Mike that way he don't have to put forth the effort because in his mind I am already packed and out the door.
Which to me is insulting that he thinks so little of me. That he thinks I would be so low. Gee thanks Rick ... thanks for nothing.
Mike called me
Mike is my ex husband who left me for another woman and caused my life to fragment. Everything started with him leaving now with Rick I am trying to put the pieces of my shattered life back together again. Anyway he called to apologize we ended up talking for two hours. Updated him on what has been happening he told me he dreams of me. That he thinks of me often. Off and on I told him what all he did the damage he caused.
Rick thinks I am going to leave him to go back with him. I feel insulted that he would even go there with me. That he thinks I could be so hurtful not to mention stupid. How could I ever trust a guy who cheated on me.
1. HE CHEATED I could never trust him again.
2. He smokes never dating a smoker EVER again. When I started seeing Rick he wasn't a smoker but he started up again.
3. He lives with his mother that is almost as bad if not worst then living with Judy.
4. The boys hate him.
5. He lies
6. I LOVE RICK and want very much to make this work.
The only thing I liked about that relationship is He spent more time with me then Rick does. No matter how much I try Rick does not want to spend time with me. He says he does but he rather spend all flipping day on his computer then with me. I also miss having someone to shop with. Rick hates shopping I hate the check out part. He wins though I shop alone EVERY time.
Yesterday was also Cody's Birthday
I had to work so everything fell on Rick.
He made Cody his taco's they were really good
He made pumpkin Cake per Cody's request that was good
He made pie that was interesting not in a real good way. Not his fault just the recipe he used.
Cody's gifts didn't show up. That made me upset. The one was supposed to fed ex said they were leaving it by the door... Rick's wood for the guitar showed up but not the cd for Cody.
Tyler got bad news while getting lettuce for Cody's dinner he ran into a lady that works at paws she informed him that Romeo a cat he liked at the shelter was put to sleep in her words she didn't want to deal with his birth defect. (romeo couldn't hold his poop) Tyler is very devastated.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Later<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Work went well I am so tired though bearly any sleep.
Get to come home to Rick being all Emo about me talking to Mike. He wanted to me to talk to him. Though I am sure he didn't expect me to talk to him for two hours. Not like I have anyone one else wanting to talk to me.
Tempted to call him only because it was nice having someone to talk to. I wont though
1, I don't need him to think I want him back because I don't
Really to be friends with him would still be to painful.
2. I am sure most of what he told me was a lie.
3. I would never hurt Rick and though he wont admit it me talking to him does hurt him and causes him insecurities. Because I have WAY more respect for him then he does me I wont call Mike I am not sure I will even talk to him if he calls me.
I wont put myself in a position where I can fall in love with anyone else ever again. Mean as it looks now Rick wants nothing to really do with me. Trying to spend time with him is like pulling teeth. He pulls the whole this is how I am CRAP mike used to. That is how he chooses to be and if he chooses to be alone then why am I here. Really why am I here.
Instead of trying to fix things he would rather say I am leaving to be with Mike that way he don't have to put forth the effort because in his mind I am already packed and out the door.
Which to me is insulting that he thinks so little of me. That he thinks I would be so low. Gee thanks Rick ... thanks for nothing.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
10/27/13
True to his word he spent time with me.
Judy made me breakfast not sure what the hell was up with that the woman NEVER does anything nice for me.
Rick made me lunch. Also a HUGE shocker he hasn't cooked for me in a real long time now this week he has done it twice. Made me awesome french toast just the other day.
We made love it was great.. wish we do it more often. Then I took an ever short nap. he spent a little more time with me I told him I feel like all I get is crumbs of his time. the most of his free time is spent on his computer. He said he would work toward changing that.
Over all it was a good day
Judy made me breakfast not sure what the hell was up with that the woman NEVER does anything nice for me.
Rick made me lunch. Also a HUGE shocker he hasn't cooked for me in a real long time now this week he has done it twice. Made me awesome french toast just the other day.
We made love it was great.. wish we do it more often. Then I took an ever short nap. he spent a little more time with me I told him I feel like all I get is crumbs of his time. the most of his free time is spent on his computer. He said he would work toward changing that.
Over all it was a good day
Saturday, October 26, 2013
10/26/2013
My started out frustrating because I ordered Cody an MP3 player for his birthday and it wont be here on time. I even paid extra to have it here and it is not going to happen.. Walmart refunded me the shipping cost.. But yeah I was pissed about that
Went to work as I figured I was on back drive. The grease thingy was not done I HATE DOING THAT THING.
Then I got told I can't tell customers that new product is coming.. I figure if I tell them that it is coming that they will look forward to it and visit to see if it is in yet. But NOPE I am not to do that.
Then I got reprimanded for up selling not once but a few times...We are supposed to but really no one does. I do it and It was bad because they couldn't keep up with what I was selling.. and two they are running out of cookies. So I start selling pies.. WELL that was bad too because they didn't have enough of them up front either. SORRY .... I am told to do it then told not to... WTF... RIGHT?
Came home to a nice dinner.. Of course Rick is back on Everquest... HE SAYS he will spend time with me tomorrow... Hope I don't die in my sleep... I get tired of just getting crumbs from him. I think I am worth more then crumbs..
Went to work as I figured I was on back drive. The grease thingy was not done I HATE DOING THAT THING.
Then I got told I can't tell customers that new product is coming.. I figure if I tell them that it is coming that they will look forward to it and visit to see if it is in yet. But NOPE I am not to do that.
Then I got reprimanded for up selling not once but a few times...We are supposed to but really no one does. I do it and It was bad because they couldn't keep up with what I was selling.. and two they are running out of cookies. So I start selling pies.. WELL that was bad too because they didn't have enough of them up front either. SORRY .... I am told to do it then told not to... WTF... RIGHT?
Came home to a nice dinner.. Of course Rick is back on Everquest... HE SAYS he will spend time with me tomorrow... Hope I don't die in my sleep... I get tired of just getting crumbs from him. I think I am worth more then crumbs..
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
10/23/2013
Tried talking to him.. Of course it is always my fault
"he gave me the option to cancel his raid"
Um NO your not putting that off on me. I want you to want to spend time with me NOT because you have to or cuz I asked you to but because that is REALLY what you want to do.
More often then not that is NOT what you want to do. It hurts I am sorry but it does.
"he gave me the option to cancel his raid"
Um NO your not putting that off on me. I want you to want to spend time with me NOT because you have to or cuz I asked you to but because that is REALLY what you want to do.
More often then not that is NOT what you want to do. It hurts I am sorry but it does.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
10/22/2013
Worked 11-4 been getting up at 5:30 good thing since all next week I am doing EARLY morning breakfast at like 6:30-7
As of right now I am scheduled 40.5 hours. OMG!! I have never worked 40 hours ever in my life...
It will be nice getting good checks. if I can consistently get 40 hours I would be making 1000 a month holy crap!
I was hoping Rick and I would make love but he made plans to RAID on his game... and we all know that is more important than I will ever be. I can wait till 10 IF it gets done at 10 and IF he still feels well and IF he is not to tired..
I am so HAPPY that a game means more to him them making love to me. NOT!!
He told me this morning he was making plans to spend time with ME after I got home from work. So either he scheduled his raid before the raid and just gave me a line of Crap to get me out the door with out being all pouty this morning. OR he made the plans and didn't give a rats ass that he made with me. Either way it still shows how little respect he has for me. OR how little he has interest in me and in us.
At least he watched one episode of Halloween wars with us as a family.
A big "fight" ensued. Of course it is always my fault. I said I wasn't going to wait till ten maybe we can do something tomorrow or next week or next month... Being a smart ass but I do get put off a lot. I got a fuck you he canceled his raid and is now of course out in the garage pouting as if that makes it all better. I took my numbers out of my phone and gave it to Cody. I am so done with him. I will buy myself a new phone.
I am just going to make plans to move.
As of right now I am scheduled 40.5 hours. OMG!! I have never worked 40 hours ever in my life...
It will be nice getting good checks. if I can consistently get 40 hours I would be making 1000 a month holy crap!
I was hoping Rick and I would make love but he made plans to RAID on his game... and we all know that is more important than I will ever be. I can wait till 10 IF it gets done at 10 and IF he still feels well and IF he is not to tired..
I am so HAPPY that a game means more to him them making love to me. NOT!!
He told me this morning he was making plans to spend time with ME after I got home from work. So either he scheduled his raid before the raid and just gave me a line of Crap to get me out the door with out being all pouty this morning. OR he made the plans and didn't give a rats ass that he made with me. Either way it still shows how little respect he has for me. OR how little he has interest in me and in us.
At least he watched one episode of Halloween wars with us as a family.
A big "fight" ensued. Of course it is always my fault. I said I wasn't going to wait till ten maybe we can do something tomorrow or next week or next month... Being a smart ass but I do get put off a lot. I got a fuck you he canceled his raid and is now of course out in the garage pouting as if that makes it all better. I took my numbers out of my phone and gave it to Cody. I am so done with him. I will buy myself a new phone.
I am just going to make plans to move.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
10/20/2013
Day of Disappointment yet again.
I woke up hoping that today he would follow through with what he said we would do.. My own stupidity. He never does.
I got up got all pretty he said we were going to town to by some needed things. That never happened. When he complained for the 10th time that he was not feeling well and still sleepy I knew that all the other things he said that would happen were never going to happen. I even told him I was changing back into to my house clothes because I knew nothing he promised was going to happen. I told him so and he assured me I was wrong...
YET here I am right again. He tries to make me feel bad for being disappointed. This is not the first or second time this has been happening nonstop for two years. One would think I would learn not to hold any value to what he promises because it never happens. He is full of promises with very little to no result. I am not to say anything when disappointment hits. I am not to make him feel bad for breaking his word yet again.
Why do I stay with someone who clearly does not value me?
One because where would I go I can't drive. No one wants to hire me. where the hell would I go?
I woke up hoping that today he would follow through with what he said we would do.. My own stupidity. He never does.
I got up got all pretty he said we were going to town to by some needed things. That never happened. When he complained for the 10th time that he was not feeling well and still sleepy I knew that all the other things he said that would happen were never going to happen. I even told him I was changing back into to my house clothes because I knew nothing he promised was going to happen. I told him so and he assured me I was wrong...
YET here I am right again. He tries to make me feel bad for being disappointed. This is not the first or second time this has been happening nonstop for two years. One would think I would learn not to hold any value to what he promises because it never happens. He is full of promises with very little to no result. I am not to say anything when disappointment hits. I am not to make him feel bad for breaking his word yet again.
Why do I stay with someone who clearly does not value me?
One because where would I go I can't drive. No one wants to hire me. where the hell would I go?
Saturday, October 19, 2013
10-19-2013
Rick was up all night working on the guitar. I personally think he just likes sleeping down stairs.
Why he stays with me is a mystery. He would rather be alone. With the many things he tells me is wrong with me I guess I can see why he wouldn't want to spend time with me but then why stay with me? He says he loves me but he does not show it.
It is snowing today. It hailed yesterday. I didn't get called in which is a bonus that would have SUCKED walking in the snow. Though I still might have to since Rick was up all night he is sleeping now. I wont wake him up so that means if I am going to work I will probably have to walk. yipee snow walking least today is a short shift
Work went well I was allowed to leave a half hour early. Rick spent a little time with me. Which was REAL nice. We watched TV and we made love while Cody was down cleaning the dining room.
Why he stays with me is a mystery. He would rather be alone. With the many things he tells me is wrong with me I guess I can see why he wouldn't want to spend time with me but then why stay with me? He says he loves me but he does not show it.
It is snowing today. It hailed yesterday. I didn't get called in which is a bonus that would have SUCKED walking in the snow. Though I still might have to since Rick was up all night he is sleeping now. I wont wake him up so that means if I am going to work I will probably have to walk. yipee snow walking least today is a short shift
Work went well I was allowed to leave a half hour early. Rick spent a little time with me. Which was REAL nice. We watched TV and we made love while Cody was down cleaning the dining room.
Friday, October 18, 2013
October 18th 20013
Alone again. wonderful? :( not
I know some relish in the time alone but being that I am alone more often then not. It is not all that great.
Boys are at the local field of screams I am hoping they enjoy it. I so want them to like some of the local events that go on here.
Rick is in his office I am in my office. Sounds like he is watching movies on his computer
I worked yesterday from 6:30 am till 4 pm. LONG ass day.
Today I worked 7 hours. I was scheduled till 4 got out about 2. Which is good I was pretty tired.
I was woke up at 6am by Sharron who informed me that I was needed because Kassie had taken ill. So I got up quickly got pretty and walked to work since both vehicles were broken. Life was certainly easier when I walked everywhere that is for sure. No car payments, Insurance, car parts, and gas to worry about that gave us a TON of extra gas all the time.
Went to Dustin's to check on Patty. She is doing REALLY well. I met the nice people Dustin is now living with. I guess I interrupted that woman three times. OMG I hate that I do that. I don't know why I do it and now I am REALLY upset by it. No wonder I have no friends I would hate it if someone interrupted me all the fucking time yet I do it a LOT. I so suck I should just go back to being by myself. Not say a word to anyone. That is what I should do. No wonder Rick never wants me around his friends.
I know some relish in the time alone but being that I am alone more often then not. It is not all that great.
Boys are at the local field of screams I am hoping they enjoy it. I so want them to like some of the local events that go on here.
Rick is in his office I am in my office. Sounds like he is watching movies on his computer
I worked yesterday from 6:30 am till 4 pm. LONG ass day.
Today I worked 7 hours. I was scheduled till 4 got out about 2. Which is good I was pretty tired.
I was woke up at 6am by Sharron who informed me that I was needed because Kassie had taken ill. So I got up quickly got pretty and walked to work since both vehicles were broken. Life was certainly easier when I walked everywhere that is for sure. No car payments, Insurance, car parts, and gas to worry about that gave us a TON of extra gas all the time.
Went to Dustin's to check on Patty. She is doing REALLY well. I met the nice people Dustin is now living with. I guess I interrupted that woman three times. OMG I hate that I do that. I don't know why I do it and now I am REALLY upset by it. No wonder I have no friends I would hate it if someone interrupted me all the fucking time yet I do it a LOT. I so suck I should just go back to being by myself. Not say a word to anyone. That is what I should do. No wonder Rick never wants me around his friends.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Wednesday October 16th 2013
Didn't sleep well last night. To much salt would probably be the reason why. I had to use the bathroom a whole lot.
Cody over slept too. His alarm sounded at 7:22 Rick woke me up to wake him up at 7:12 why he didn't wake the kid himself. He woke Tyler up screaming at him because he never turned the furnace off. So now the whole house is up way before most of us would like to be.
Still having dizzy spells.. Not sure what is going on with that. I have no medical so I can't go to the doctor. I can't afford to quit since doing so means I loose my ssi and besides I like working I like getting out of the house.
I come to a sad sad conclusion I have no self worth. I "day dream" just before I go to sleep Last night I was dreaming that I had left Rick because he never wants to spend time with me anyway so if I am going to be lonely might as well be lonely alone. Anyway in my "day dream" the only time he wants to even try to get back with me is when I come into money. How sad is that? He would only want me back and want to be the man he should be if I came into money. Not saying that would be true on his part but that is what I feel.
Tiff Just realized that I unfriended her when she went off on me for photo editing one of her pictures. I guess that shows my importance that she didn't notice for a whole two weeks. The back story on that she takes pictures I thought I would be nice and edit one of the nice pictures she took.. SHE FREAKED out on me and not just a little a WHOLE lot. I took her off my friends list no point set myself up for failure. I guess we are talking some but I don't want get her freeking out with me.
Work went well I guess. My head is in this endless fog and I am dizzy. reading on the net it could be related to this neck pain I have been having. If I could get my neck to pop maybe the fog and dizzy spells would end. I keep trying but to no avail.
I was in the front on till which was easy enough. Luke's Girlfriend gave birth so he will be out till the 24th with his new baby. I am taking part of his shift tomorrow. Good news that means extra money for my son's birthday. Bad news I will be on my feet for almost 10 hours. OMG. especially with getting up at 5 am then being there till almost 5 pm I am going to be SOOOOO tired
Things are ok with Rick I guess. He says he plans to spend time with me though he says this a lot with very little to no follow through. Highly disappointing on my part.
Well I have been on this computer long enough maybe go watch some tv before I force my sleep because tomorrow will be forever long.
Cody over slept too. His alarm sounded at 7:22 Rick woke me up to wake him up at 7:12 why he didn't wake the kid himself. He woke Tyler up screaming at him because he never turned the furnace off. So now the whole house is up way before most of us would like to be.
Still having dizzy spells.. Not sure what is going on with that. I have no medical so I can't go to the doctor. I can't afford to quit since doing so means I loose my ssi and besides I like working I like getting out of the house.
I come to a sad sad conclusion I have no self worth. I "day dream" just before I go to sleep Last night I was dreaming that I had left Rick because he never wants to spend time with me anyway so if I am going to be lonely might as well be lonely alone. Anyway in my "day dream" the only time he wants to even try to get back with me is when I come into money. How sad is that? He would only want me back and want to be the man he should be if I came into money. Not saying that would be true on his part but that is what I feel.
Tiff Just realized that I unfriended her when she went off on me for photo editing one of her pictures. I guess that shows my importance that she didn't notice for a whole two weeks. The back story on that she takes pictures I thought I would be nice and edit one of the nice pictures she took.. SHE FREAKED out on me and not just a little a WHOLE lot. I took her off my friends list no point set myself up for failure. I guess we are talking some but I don't want get her freeking out with me.
Work went well I guess. My head is in this endless fog and I am dizzy. reading on the net it could be related to this neck pain I have been having. If I could get my neck to pop maybe the fog and dizzy spells would end. I keep trying but to no avail.
I was in the front on till which was easy enough. Luke's Girlfriend gave birth so he will be out till the 24th with his new baby. I am taking part of his shift tomorrow. Good news that means extra money for my son's birthday. Bad news I will be on my feet for almost 10 hours. OMG. especially with getting up at 5 am then being there till almost 5 pm I am going to be SOOOOO tired
Things are ok with Rick I guess. He says he plans to spend time with me though he says this a lot with very little to no follow through. Highly disappointing on my part.
Well I have been on this computer long enough maybe go watch some tv before I force my sleep because tomorrow will be forever long.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Tuesday October 15th 2013
Had to call the school today.
Cody is being picked on I am happy that he came to me and let us know what has been going on. However making any calls well that is always an issue for me. I always have to take a deep breath and barrel through it even though my stomach is clenched in fear. It is a part of having Social anxiety.
I had hoped that none of my children would have to suffer the torment of being bullied in school the way I was. I don't think anyone wants there kid to be that kid... Though I have come to see over years bullies make bullies and with out meaning too victims make victims. Though I don't know how I made them victims. Maybe because I am myself socially inadequate. I try not to be but sadly I know that I am. How can I not be I have no real friends to speak of. I make friends OK I guess I dump a lot when they upset me. I am known to speak my mind a lot. How I have been able to have long term relationships surprises me but then again even those don't last.
Disappointment came yesterday as I learned that the Delta sight has me yet again as not selected. How disappointing .. I had lost hope before when that had happened shortly after applying. Then out of the blue I got a call 4 quick questions I thought I had done well but allas apparently not as well as I had hoped. That job would have helped out tons for me and my family. I hate trying to find a job the rejection is a killer.
I am frustrated with Rick his beloved game is his center stage. He plays it first thing and last thing of every day. I am lucky if I can get him away for an hour... Not right that a stupid game means more to him then his own family . I don't want to take away things that give him joy I just want to be first priority. I hate that he smokes it is a wall between us. He knew going into this relationship that I did not EVER want to date a smoker. Not sure when he actually started up. I swear on some of our phone conversations I heard him light up he denies this and swears it was the first time Evan was taken. Either way he couldn't have been to shocked that I would not be happy. He knows I hate the habit. I can't stand the smell and in most cases it makes me ill. One way or another I get flemed up as though I am a smoker and I have NEVER smoked EVER. It keeps us apart most the time. We don't do anything most of the time because he REEKS of smoke. He seems to be ok with this since he refuses to cut back or better yet stop. OH he promises to stop. But week after week month after month and now two years later it keeps going on. I am so tired of it. Add it to the list of reasons I want out of here. I try with Rick I do. However I can't make someone want to spend time with me. I can't make him want to marry me. I can't make someone want to quit when REALLY they clearly don't.
Work was better then I thought it would be. I suffer from dizzy spells not sure why I have them again all I know is I have them. Having no medical there is no way to know why I have them I just have to suffer through them and hope they go away. I am hoping I don't fall into the grill at work. Though the way I feel right now I don't really care if I die. Other then my boys and how sad they would be if I died I really rather not be here. I can't die until I am sure Cody would not be forced to move back with his Dad. That man has made it clear he does not give a DAMN about that boy. Last year for his birthday I had to call down there and MAKE him do something with his son. He gave him a cup cake and played xbox with him but ONLY after I called and laid in on him.
I feel rather stuck. I can't move because of the bills Rick has gotten me stuck in. To move would mean I am screwed as I can't get around and hibbing is forever away. I don't know what I would do. My job is here everywhere I shop my bank is there. I would be in trouble. I love Rick I do. However I don't think he loves me the way he should. I think personally his first love is Annette. He gave up guitar for her. I just want him to quit smoking. He did more for her then he does for me. He expects more from me then he did her.. The way he treats me like I am a child drives me crazy.
it is 6pm Facebook games are done I am sleepy but need to wait two more hours before I can sleep. I am dizzy again. Wonder if it is me or something in this house?
Cody is being picked on I am happy that he came to me and let us know what has been going on. However making any calls well that is always an issue for me. I always have to take a deep breath and barrel through it even though my stomach is clenched in fear. It is a part of having Social anxiety.
I had hoped that none of my children would have to suffer the torment of being bullied in school the way I was. I don't think anyone wants there kid to be that kid... Though I have come to see over years bullies make bullies and with out meaning too victims make victims. Though I don't know how I made them victims. Maybe because I am myself socially inadequate. I try not to be but sadly I know that I am. How can I not be I have no real friends to speak of. I make friends OK I guess I dump a lot when they upset me. I am known to speak my mind a lot. How I have been able to have long term relationships surprises me but then again even those don't last.
Disappointment came yesterday as I learned that the Delta sight has me yet again as not selected. How disappointing .. I had lost hope before when that had happened shortly after applying. Then out of the blue I got a call 4 quick questions I thought I had done well but allas apparently not as well as I had hoped. That job would have helped out tons for me and my family. I hate trying to find a job the rejection is a killer.
I am frustrated with Rick his beloved game is his center stage. He plays it first thing and last thing of every day. I am lucky if I can get him away for an hour... Not right that a stupid game means more to him then his own family . I don't want to take away things that give him joy I just want to be first priority. I hate that he smokes it is a wall between us. He knew going into this relationship that I did not EVER want to date a smoker. Not sure when he actually started up. I swear on some of our phone conversations I heard him light up he denies this and swears it was the first time Evan was taken. Either way he couldn't have been to shocked that I would not be happy. He knows I hate the habit. I can't stand the smell and in most cases it makes me ill. One way or another I get flemed up as though I am a smoker and I have NEVER smoked EVER. It keeps us apart most the time. We don't do anything most of the time because he REEKS of smoke. He seems to be ok with this since he refuses to cut back or better yet stop. OH he promises to stop. But week after week month after month and now two years later it keeps going on. I am so tired of it. Add it to the list of reasons I want out of here. I try with Rick I do. However I can't make someone want to spend time with me. I can't make him want to marry me. I can't make someone want to quit when REALLY they clearly don't.
Work was better then I thought it would be. I suffer from dizzy spells not sure why I have them again all I know is I have them. Having no medical there is no way to know why I have them I just have to suffer through them and hope they go away. I am hoping I don't fall into the grill at work. Though the way I feel right now I don't really care if I die. Other then my boys and how sad they would be if I died I really rather not be here. I can't die until I am sure Cody would not be forced to move back with his Dad. That man has made it clear he does not give a DAMN about that boy. Last year for his birthday I had to call down there and MAKE him do something with his son. He gave him a cup cake and played xbox with him but ONLY after I called and laid in on him.
I feel rather stuck. I can't move because of the bills Rick has gotten me stuck in. To move would mean I am screwed as I can't get around and hibbing is forever away. I don't know what I would do. My job is here everywhere I shop my bank is there. I would be in trouble. I love Rick I do. However I don't think he loves me the way he should. I think personally his first love is Annette. He gave up guitar for her. I just want him to quit smoking. He did more for her then he does for me. He expects more from me then he did her.. The way he treats me like I am a child drives me crazy.
it is 6pm Facebook games are done I am sleepy but need to wait two more hours before I can sleep. I am dizzy again. Wonder if it is me or something in this house?
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
I am a mix of feelings.
I am not getting married for the third time now. The first time was canceled because he was not ready... Canceled the second time because we had to use the money on his EX..Canceled the third time because we were moving and wouldn't have the money to go through with it. Canceled this time because if we get married he looses medical assistance.
His words "I will marry you but I wont live long"
HOW CAN I MARRY HIM WHEN HE SAYS THAT KIND OF CRAP?
Though he eats junk and smokes so with or with out medical he wont live long.
The bad... I am stuck with my EX husband's name I didn't change it after our divorce because I was so to get married right away.
The good... He is not really into me anyway. We barely spend time with each other as a couple. He would rather be along or hang with HIS friends alone. NO matter how I try to get him to WANT to spend time with me the fact is he does not want to... HE IS NOT THAT INTO ME....
He is not into me enough to want to get married.
He is not into me enough to make time for me...
He is not that into me that he wants to change anything for me...
I am here to be his cook ... his maid and help him pay his expenses.
why do I stay... not ready to be alone... To complicated to find my own place.
I am not getting married for the third time now. The first time was canceled because he was not ready... Canceled the second time because we had to use the money on his EX..Canceled the third time because we were moving and wouldn't have the money to go through with it. Canceled this time because if we get married he looses medical assistance.
His words "I will marry you but I wont live long"
HOW CAN I MARRY HIM WHEN HE SAYS THAT KIND OF CRAP?
Though he eats junk and smokes so with or with out medical he wont live long.
The bad... I am stuck with my EX husband's name I didn't change it after our divorce because I was so to get married right away.
The good... He is not really into me anyway. We barely spend time with each other as a couple. He would rather be along or hang with HIS friends alone. NO matter how I try to get him to WANT to spend time with me the fact is he does not want to... HE IS NOT THAT INTO ME....
He is not into me enough to want to get married.
He is not into me enough to make time for me...
He is not that into me that he wants to change anything for me...
I am here to be his cook ... his maid and help him pay his expenses.
why do I stay... not ready to be alone... To complicated to find my own place.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Not feeling well today...
Top to bottom
My head hurts
my shoulder hurts
my back hurts in two places
My stomach hurts
my knees hurt
my feet hurt
my soul hurts
I miss my son Evan the state of Wisconsin took custody of him from me when after a flood and preparing to move my house looked much like a war zone. I didn't fight to get him back because they placed him in a group home which at the time I thought was a better place for him then with me. That was until the state moved him out of my reach now I can't get to him because he is to far away. I have asked them to set up skype for him so I can at least talk to him via internet but that has not happened.
I am also upset because of my fiance... every moment I spend with him it turns into how bad my kids are. I already don't feel well I don't want to hear that day after day for minutes on end. I almost hate going near him. He complains about how lazy they are that they don't clean. Well no one including HIM does it. It has ONLY been my kids cleaning. I do some of the cleaning when I can.
On an up note most every house here in this little town I live in has lilac bushes oh my it smells so nice walking to and from work.
Top to bottom
My head hurts
my shoulder hurts
my back hurts in two places
My stomach hurts
my knees hurt
my feet hurt
my soul hurts
I miss my son Evan the state of Wisconsin took custody of him from me when after a flood and preparing to move my house looked much like a war zone. I didn't fight to get him back because they placed him in a group home which at the time I thought was a better place for him then with me. That was until the state moved him out of my reach now I can't get to him because he is to far away. I have asked them to set up skype for him so I can at least talk to him via internet but that has not happened.
I am also upset because of my fiance... every moment I spend with him it turns into how bad my kids are. I already don't feel well I don't want to hear that day after day for minutes on end. I almost hate going near him. He complains about how lazy they are that they don't clean. Well no one including HIM does it. It has ONLY been my kids cleaning. I do some of the cleaning when I can.
On an up note most every house here in this little town I live in has lilac bushes oh my it smells so nice walking to and from work.
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