Had to call the school today.
Cody is being picked on I am happy that he came to me and let us know what has been going on. However making any calls well that is always an issue for me. I always have to take a deep breath and barrel through it even though my stomach is clenched in fear. It is a part of having Social anxiety.
I had hoped that none of my children would have to suffer the torment of being bullied in school the way I was. I don't think anyone wants there kid to be that kid... Though I have come to see over years bullies make bullies and with out meaning too victims make victims. Though I don't know how I made them victims. Maybe because I am myself socially inadequate. I try not to be but sadly I know that I am. How can I not be I have no real friends to speak of. I make friends OK I guess I dump a lot when they upset me. I am known to speak my mind a lot. How I have been able to have long term relationships surprises me but then again even those don't last.
Disappointment came yesterday as I learned that the Delta sight has me yet again as not selected. How disappointing .. I had lost hope before when that had happened shortly after applying. Then out of the blue I got a call 4 quick questions I thought I had done well but allas apparently not as well as I had hoped. That job would have helped out tons for me and my family. I hate trying to find a job the rejection is a killer.
I am frustrated with Rick his beloved game is his center stage. He plays it first thing and last thing of every day. I am lucky if I can get him away for an hour... Not right that a stupid game means more to him then his own family . I don't want to take away things that give him joy I just want to be first priority. I hate that he smokes it is a wall between us. He knew going into this relationship that I did not EVER want to date a smoker. Not sure when he actually started up. I swear on some of our phone conversations I heard him light up he denies this and swears it was the first time Evan was taken. Either way he couldn't have been to shocked that I would not be happy. He knows I hate the habit. I can't stand the smell and in most cases it makes me ill. One way or another I get flemed up as though I am a smoker and I have NEVER smoked EVER. It keeps us apart most the time. We don't do anything most of the time because he REEKS of smoke. He seems to be ok with this since he refuses to cut back or better yet stop. OH he promises to stop. But week after week month after month and now two years later it keeps going on. I am so tired of it. Add it to the list of reasons I want out of here. I try with Rick I do. However I can't make someone want to spend time with me. I can't make him want to marry me. I can't make someone want to quit when REALLY they clearly don't.
Work was better then I thought it would be. I suffer from dizzy spells not sure why I have them again all I know is I have them. Having no medical there is no way to know why I have them I just have to suffer through them and hope they go away. I am hoping I don't fall into the grill at work. Though the way I feel right now I don't really care if I die. Other then my boys and how sad they would be if I died I really rather not be here. I can't die until I am sure Cody would not be forced to move back with his Dad. That man has made it clear he does not give a DAMN about that boy. Last year for his birthday I had to call down there and MAKE him do something with his son. He gave him a cup cake and played xbox with him but ONLY after I called and laid in on him.
I feel rather stuck. I can't move because of the bills Rick has gotten me stuck in. To move would mean I am screwed as I can't get around and hibbing is forever away. I don't know what I would do. My job is here everywhere I shop my bank is there. I would be in trouble. I love Rick I do. However I don't think he loves me the way he should. I think personally his first love is Annette. He gave up guitar for her. I just want him to quit smoking. He did more for her then he does for me. He expects more from me then he did her.. The way he treats me like I am a child drives me crazy.
it is 6pm Facebook games are done I am sleepy but need to wait two more hours before I can sleep. I am dizzy again. Wonder if it is me or something in this house?
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