Wednesday, October 30, 2013

10/30/2013

Yesterday was interesting as hell.
Mike called me
Mike is my ex husband who left me for another woman and caused my life to fragment.  Everything started with him leaving now with Rick I am trying to put the pieces of my shattered life back together again.  Anyway he called to apologize we ended up talking for two hours.  Updated him on what has been happening he told me he dreams of me.  That he thinks of me often.  Off and on I told him what all he did the damage he caused.

Rick thinks I am going to leave him to go back with him.  I feel insulted that he would even go there with me. That he thinks I could be so hurtful not to mention stupid.  How could I ever trust a guy who cheated on me.
1. HE CHEATED I could never trust him again.
2. He smokes never dating a smoker EVER again.  When I started seeing Rick he wasn't a smoker but he started up again.
3. He lives with his mother that is almost as bad if not worst then living with Judy.
4. The boys hate him.
5. He lies
6.  I LOVE RICK and want very much to make this work.
The only thing I liked about that relationship is He spent more time with me then Rick does.  No matter how much I try Rick does not want to spend time with me.  He says he does but he rather spend all flipping day on his computer then with me.  I also miss having someone to shop with.  Rick hates shopping I hate the check out part.  He wins though I shop alone EVERY time.

Yesterday was also Cody's Birthday
I had to work so everything fell on Rick.
He made Cody his taco's they were really good
He made pumpkin Cake per Cody's request that was good
He made pie that was interesting not in a real good way.  Not his fault just the recipe he used.
Cody's gifts didn't show up.  That made me upset.  The one was supposed to fed ex said they were leaving it by the door... Rick's wood for the guitar showed up but not the cd for Cody.

Tyler got bad news while getting lettuce for Cody's dinner he ran into a lady that works at paws she informed him that Romeo a cat he liked at the shelter was put to sleep in her words she didn't want to deal with his birth defect. (romeo couldn't hold his poop) Tyler is very devastated.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Later<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


Work went well I am so tired though bearly any sleep.
Get to come home to Rick being all Emo about me talking to Mike.  He wanted to me to talk to him.  Though I am sure he didn't expect me to talk to him for two hours.  Not like I have anyone one else wanting to talk to me.
Tempted to call him only because it was nice having someone to talk to.  I wont though
1, I don't need him to think I want him back because I don't
    Really to be friends with him would still be to painful.
2. I am sure most of what he told me was a lie.
3. I would never hurt Rick and though he wont admit it me talking to him does hurt him and causes him insecurities.  Because I have WAY more respect for him then he does me I wont call Mike I am not sure I will even talk to him if he calls me.
I wont put myself in a position where I can fall in love with anyone else ever again.  Mean as it looks now Rick wants nothing to really do with me.  Trying to spend time with him is like pulling teeth.  He pulls the whole this is how I am CRAP mike used to.  That is how he chooses to be and if he chooses to be alone then why am I here.  Really why am I here.
Instead of trying to fix things he would rather say I am leaving to be with Mike that way he don't have to put forth the effort because in his mind I am already packed and out the door.
Which to me is insulting that he thinks so little of me.  That he thinks I would be so low.  Gee thanks Rick ... thanks for nothing.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

10/27/13

True to his word he spent time with me.
Judy made me breakfast not sure what the hell was up with that the woman NEVER does anything nice for me.
Rick made me lunch.  Also a HUGE shocker he hasn't cooked for me in a real long time now this week he has done it twice.  Made me awesome french toast just the other day.
We made love it was great.. wish we do it more often.  Then I took an ever short nap.  he spent a little more time with me I told him I feel like all I get is crumbs of his time.  the most of his free time is spent on his computer.  He said he would work toward changing that.
Over all it was a good day

Saturday, October 26, 2013

10/26/2013

My started out frustrating because I ordered Cody an MP3 player for his birthday and it wont be here on time.  I even paid extra to have it here and it is not going to happen.. Walmart refunded me the shipping cost.. But yeah I was pissed about that
Went to work as I figured I was on back drive.  The grease thingy was not done I HATE DOING THAT THING.
Then I got told I can't tell customers that new product is coming.. I figure if I tell them that it is coming that they will look forward to it and visit to see if it is in yet.  But NOPE I am not to do that.
Then I got reprimanded for up selling not once but a few times...We are supposed to but really no one does.  I do it and It was bad because they couldn't keep up with what I was selling.. and two they are running out of cookies.  So I start selling pies.. WELL that was bad too because they didn't have enough of them up front either.  SORRY .... I am told to do it then told not to... WTF... RIGHT?
Came home to a nice dinner.. Of course Rick is back on Everquest... HE SAYS he will spend time with me tomorrow... Hope I don't die in my sleep... I get tired of just getting crumbs from him.  I think I am worth more then crumbs..

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

10/23/2013

Tried talking to him.. Of course it is always my fault
"he gave me the option to cancel his raid"
Um NO your not putting that off on me.  I want you to want to spend time with me NOT because you have to or cuz I asked you to but because that is REALLY what you want to do.
More often then not that is NOT what you want to do.  It hurts I am sorry but it does.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

10/22/2013

Worked 11-4 been getting up at 5:30 good thing since all next week I am doing EARLY morning breakfast at like 6:30-7
As of right now I am scheduled 40.5 hours.  OMG!! I have never worked 40 hours ever in my life...
It will be nice getting good checks.  if I can consistently get 40 hours I would be making 1000 a month holy crap!
I was hoping Rick and I would make love but he made plans to RAID on his game... and we all know that is more important than I will ever be.  I can wait till 10 IF it gets done at 10 and IF he still feels well and IF he is not to tired..
I am so HAPPY that a game means more to him them making love to me.  NOT!!
He told me this morning he was making plans to spend time with ME after I got home from work.  So either he scheduled his raid before the raid and just gave me a line of Crap to get me out the door with out being all pouty this morning. OR he made the plans and didn't give a rats ass that he made with me.  Either way it still shows how little respect he has for me. OR how little he has interest in me and in us.
At least he watched one episode of Halloween wars with us as a family.

A big "fight" ensued.  Of course it is always my fault.  I said I wasn't going to wait till ten maybe we can do something tomorrow or next week or next month... Being a smart ass but I do get put off a lot.  I got a fuck you he canceled his raid and is now of course out in the garage pouting as if that makes it all better.  I took my numbers out of my phone and gave it to Cody.  I am so done with him.  I will buy myself a new phone.
I am just going to make plans to move.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

10/20/2013

Day of Disappointment yet again.
I woke up hoping that today he would follow through with what he said we would do.. My own stupidity.  He never does.
I got up got all pretty he said we were going to town to by some needed things.  That never happened.  When he complained for the 10th time that he was not feeling well and still sleepy I knew that all the other things he said that would happen were never going to happen.  I even told him I was changing back into to my house clothes because I knew nothing he promised was going to happen.  I told him so and he assured me I was wrong...
YET here I am  right again.  He tries to make me feel bad for being disappointed.  This is not the first or second time this has been happening nonstop for two years.  One would think I would learn not to hold any value to what he promises because it never happens.  He is full of promises with very little to no result.  I am not to say anything when disappointment hits.  I am not to make him feel bad for breaking his word yet again.
Why do I stay with someone who clearly does not value me?
One because where would I go I can't drive.  No one wants to hire me.  where the hell would I go?

Saturday, October 19, 2013

10-19-2013

Rick was up all night working on the guitar.  I personally think he just likes sleeping down stairs.
Why he stays with me is a mystery.  He would rather be alone.  With the many things he tells me is wrong with me I guess I can see why he wouldn't want to spend time with me but then why stay with me?  He says he loves me but he does not show it.

It is snowing today.  It hailed yesterday.  I didn't get called in which is a bonus that would have SUCKED walking in the snow.  Though I still might have to since Rick was up all night he is sleeping now.  I wont wake him up so that means if I am going to work I will probably have to walk.  yipee snow walking least today is a short shift

Work went well I was allowed to leave a half hour early.  Rick spent a little time with me.  Which was REAL nice.  We watched TV and we made love while Cody was down cleaning the dining room.

Friday, October 18, 2013

October 18th 20013

Alone again.  wonderful? :( not
I know some relish in the time alone but being that I am alone more often then not. It is not all that great.

Boys are at the local field of screams I am hoping they enjoy it.  I so want them to like some of the local events that go on here.

Rick is in his office I am in my office.  Sounds like he is watching movies on his computer

I worked yesterday from 6:30 am till 4 pm.  LONG ass day.
Today I worked 7 hours.  I was scheduled till 4 got out about 2.  Which is good I was pretty tired.
I was woke up at 6am by Sharron who informed me that I was needed because Kassie had taken ill.  So I got up quickly got pretty and walked to work since both vehicles were broken.  Life was certainly easier when I walked everywhere that is for sure.  No car payments, Insurance, car parts, and gas to worry about that gave us a TON of extra gas all the time.
Went to Dustin's to check on Patty.  She is doing REALLY well.  I met the nice people Dustin is now living with.  I guess I interrupted that woman three times.  OMG I hate that I do that.  I don't know why I do it and now I am REALLY upset by it.  No wonder I have no friends I would hate it if someone interrupted me all the fucking time yet I do it a LOT. I so suck I should just go back to being by myself.  Not say a word to anyone.  That is what I should do.  No wonder Rick never wants me around his friends.  

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Wednesday October 16th 2013

Didn't sleep well last night.  To much salt would probably be the reason why.  I had to use the bathroom a whole lot.
Cody over slept too.  His alarm sounded at 7:22 Rick woke me up to wake him up at 7:12 why he didn't wake the kid himself.  He woke Tyler up screaming at him because he never turned the furnace off.  So now the whole house is up way before most of us would like to be.
Still having dizzy spells.. Not sure what is going on with that.  I have no medical so I can't go to the doctor.  I can't afford to quit since doing so means I loose my ssi and besides I like working I like getting out of the house.
I come to a sad sad conclusion I have no self worth.  I "day dream" just before I go to sleep Last night I was dreaming that I had left Rick because he never wants to spend time with me anyway so if I am going to be lonely might as well be lonely alone.  Anyway in my "day dream" the only time he wants to even try to get back with me is when I come into money.  How sad is that? He would only want me back and want to be the man he should be if I came into money.  Not saying that would be true on his part but that is what I feel.
Tiff Just realized that I unfriended her when she went off on me for photo editing one of her pictures.  I guess that shows my importance that she didn't notice for a whole two weeks.  The back story on that she takes pictures I thought I would be nice and edit one of the nice pictures she took.. SHE FREAKED out on me and not just a little a WHOLE lot.  I took her off my friends list no point set myself up for failure.  I guess we are talking some but I don't want get her freeking out with me.

Work went well I guess.  My head is in this endless fog and I am dizzy.  reading on the net it could be related to this neck pain I have been having.  If I could get my neck to pop maybe the fog and dizzy spells would end.  I keep trying but to no avail.
I was in the front on till which was easy enough.  Luke's Girlfriend gave birth so he will be out till the 24th with his new baby.  I am taking part of his shift tomorrow.  Good news that means extra money for my son's birthday.  Bad news I will be on my feet for almost 10 hours.  OMG.  especially with getting up at 5 am then being there till almost 5 pm I am going to be SOOOOO tired

Things are ok with Rick I guess.  He says he plans to spend time with me though he says this a lot with very little to no follow through.  Highly disappointing on my part.
Well I have been on this computer long enough maybe go watch some tv before I force my sleep because tomorrow will be forever long.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Tuesday October 15th 2013

Had to call the school today.
Cody is being picked on I am happy that he came to me and let us know what has been going on.  However making any calls well that is always an issue for me.  I always have to take a deep breath and barrel through it even though my stomach is clenched in fear.  It is a part of having Social anxiety.
I had hoped that none of my children would have to suffer the torment of being bullied in school the way I was.  I don't think anyone wants there kid to be that kid... Though I have come to see over years bullies make bullies and with out meaning too victims make victims.  Though I don't know how I made them victims. Maybe because I am myself socially inadequate.   I try not to be but sadly I know that I am.  How can I not be I have no real friends to speak of.  I make friends OK I guess I dump a lot when they upset me.  I am known to speak my mind a lot.  How I have been able to have long term relationships surprises me but then again even those don't last.  


Disappointment came yesterday as I learned that the Delta sight has me yet again as not selected.  How disappointing .. I had lost hope before when that had happened shortly after applying.  Then out of the blue I got a call 4 quick questions I thought I had done well but allas apparently not as well as I had hoped.  That job would have helped out tons for me and my family.  I hate trying to find a job the rejection is a killer.

I am frustrated with Rick his beloved game is his center stage.  He plays it first thing and last thing of every day.  I am lucky if I can get him away for an hour... Not right that a stupid game means more to him then his own family . I don't want to take away things that give him joy I just want to be first priority.  I hate that he smokes it is a wall between us.  He knew going into this relationship that I did not EVER want to date a smoker.  Not sure when he actually started up.  I swear on some of our phone conversations I heard him light up he denies this and swears it was the first time Evan was taken.   Either way he couldn't have been to shocked that I would not be happy.  He knows I hate the habit.  I can't stand the smell and in most cases it makes me ill.  One way or another I get flemed up as though I am a smoker and I have NEVER smoked EVER.  It keeps us apart most the time.  We don't do anything most of the time because he REEKS of smoke.  He seems to be ok with this since he refuses to cut back or better yet stop.  OH he promises to stop.  But week after week month after month and now two years later it keeps going on.  I am so tired of it.  Add it to the list of reasons I want out of here.  I try with Rick I do.  However I can't make someone want to spend time with me.  I can't make him want to marry me.  I can't make someone want to quit when REALLY they clearly don't.  

Work was better then I thought it would be.  I suffer from dizzy spells not sure why I have them again all I know is I have them.  Having no medical there is no way to know why I have them I just have to suffer through them and hope they go away.  I am hoping I don't fall into the grill at work.  Though the way I feel right now I don't really care if I die.  Other then my boys and how sad they would be if I died I really rather not be here.  I can't die until I am sure Cody would not be forced to move back with his Dad.  That man has made it clear he does not give a DAMN about that boy.  Last year for his birthday I had to call down there and MAKE him do something with his son.  He gave him a cup cake and played xbox with him but ONLY after I called and laid in on him.
I feel rather stuck.  I can't move because of the bills Rick has gotten me stuck in.  To move would mean I am screwed as I can't get around and hibbing is forever away.  I don't know what I would do.  My job is here everywhere I shop my bank is there.  I would be in trouble.  I love Rick I do.  However I don't think he loves me the way he should.  I think personally his first love is Annette.  He gave up guitar for her.  I just want him to quit smoking.  He did more for her then he does for me.  He expects more from me then he did her.. The way he treats me like I am a child drives me crazy.
it is 6pm Facebook games are done I am sleepy but need to wait two more hours before I can sleep.  I am dizzy again.  Wonder if it is me or something in this house?