11/25/2013

This could end up being either the best day of my life or the worst the jury is out on that.
Rick is going to talk to Annette today He is considering going back to her? Why after all she did to him how he could choose that is beyond me.
If he is choosing to to leave me I am letting him go with the possibility to come back once he is FULLY over her.
I know that makes me Stupid as all hell but i can't help it.  I love him and in some ways this is my fault because i knew he was still not over Annette.  I always knew that it was going to happen that he would go back to her.  I can only hope that IF he chooses her that this will be the LAST and final straw.

Dear Father God.. I need your help to keep Rick.  If that is what you want Father.  I pray you will sway his heart to choose me.  I can't take another loss Father I have LOST way to much in such a short time.  Please I beg you.  I know I have no right to ask anything of you.

After talking to her he does not he wants to go back to her because he is afraid that if he doesn't he will always wonder what if.  I don't know if I want to live knowing he regrets not going back to her?

How could he want to go back to her..

• He said I have done for him then she has
• He said that I was there for him in 3 years then she ever was in 10 
• He said I brought him more peace then she ever did in 10 years
• He said that his friends said he was happier now with me

Why would he want to go back to less then when he has more with me.  

I am considering whether or not to stay in the house.  

looks like I am the only one moving... Because his mom hates me and wants him back with Annette

11/20/2013

Rick is leaving today.
His uncle is dying.  He is sure he is getting the house.  When he picked me up he told me that he was going down there and I could not go with.  His family would not accept me.  OUCH!! I couldn't go anyway I have to work and working mornings there is no way I could find anyone to cover my shift.  I think he is ashamed of me that is why he never brought me near his family.  I think he is leaving me.  We fought when I asked what we are doing about Justin getting that puppy.  He thinks I care more about the puppy.  I didn't want to upset Justin I work with him.  I didn't need my job to become a hostile place.  Rick is treating me like I am a heartless bitch.  I told him I was leaving.. He said he is getting the house so he is packing to leave.  I thought we worked things out.. However when I asked if he was coming back he didn't say I would never leave you.  He said if he was leaving for good he would be taking his computer.  I paid for half of that but I guess that does not matter.

He keeps throwing Mike up in my face.  He talks to Annette he even tells her he loves her.  I am supposed to be ok but IF I talk to Mike I am leaving him.  He said that is why I said what I said about Justin.  I don't want Mike back.  I could never trust him.  I could never deal with his mother.  He smokes.. ish not doing that again.   I don't even love him.. Yeah it is nice having someone to talk to when everyone else is to busy for me.  But that is all it is.  To stop the drama though I am going to not talk to him anymore.  I will have to keep his number on my phone so I know not to answer his calls or texts.

He took 90 dollars from Justin for that puppy.
.HE is also "borrowing" the Ipad that he just gave me.  I have a bad feeling about all that.  I am hoping I am wrong but accidents happen to Rick more then most.

11/18/2013

The drama bleeds over to today.
Rick left for work at 8:30 and went to Paws only to find out he can't work until he talks to Michelle.  We both think that is loosing his Job.  I still wonder if he REALLY had a job or if it was all just a lie to keep from working at Noodle.  Hard to tell.  They promised him 25 hours a week and he didn't even get that last week.
Talked to Mike yesterday.  I think in his own way he is trying to get me back just more now not as obvious as before.  Tells me he is going back to Hope church.  Tells me that he is getting his licence.  Little things to make himself seem more inciting I think.  However at the same time telling me Rick is a good man and would never hurt me like he did.  Though he does not know it yet Rick has already.  I read a text Rick deleted telling Annette that he loves her.  He deleted it before I could see it and because he did that I know he is hiding more then he is telling me.  Other wise why would he delete it and I know he sent her something that he lies to me about.  I did tell Mike I might be moving out I am lonely here and I might as well be lonly living on my own then with someone who can't value me.

Then Rick brings me home a Ipad.  Interesting?  Chenoa moved out left a bunch of stuff including a Ipad that the school up here gave her.  It is now mine.  Least it is until Rick takes it back to give to Aleah only a matter of time.  These people always wiggle themselves back into his life.

It is off to work a short shift but after work I am going to go clean Chenoa's apartment and see what other goodies we can get.  I know that Judy is going before us so I am sure she will help herself to stuff before we get there.

Work went well.  Except that Sharon told me no staff at Paws gets paid .. I have had my doubts as to whether RICK really has a job and hearing that points me to the conclusion he faked a job to get out a REAL job so he could play everquest.  That my friend is BULL SHIT!! I love him but I can't handle all the inconsistencies..

After work we were supposed to go to Chenoa's old apartment to clean and pack up the stuff she said we could have.  I started going through a closet of stuff she said we could have and Rick snapped at me not to that we would do it tomorrow. I work from 6-1 tomorrow so I know my ass will be dragging tomorrow I went through a few things Judy (rick's mom) came and tried to shove me out of the way so she could look at snapped at her not to push me.  Rick snapped at me again for looking.  So I picked up Bella (our new puppy) and went in the other room leaving Judy to snoop.  Rick snapped at her too... Then I made two comments about Chenoa infront of her son... I don't think they were bad but Rick snapped at me.  Protecting his precious Chenoa.
I said
1. She should have just stayed in Superior it would have saved everyone one a lot of time.
Happy she is going to treatment finally but she could have started that when she was down there.
2. Her place is NASTY.  She complained about how bad my place was.  her place was every bit as bad as mine.  She had no right to bitch.
So yeah because Precious Chenoa is going to treatment and finally getting her life together I am not allowed to say one bad word against her.  She can talk all the shit about me she wants and NO ONE says a damn word to her but I said two things about her and OMG I am a bitch.
They all can go FUCK THEMSELVES.  Rick included.  I am SO FUCKING PISSED.

11/15/2013

We were supposed to go down to Superior tomorrow to pick up Jusinis new puppy Bella's sister.
However that was postponed due to the fact that Justin didn't get his check and wont be getting it until Wednesday.  All good I was a bit nervous about seeing my ex husband we are supposed to go there so Rick can fix his computer.  I am nervous about seeing him because I don't want him to think my life went to pot because he walked out on me.. I want him to see me and see that I am better for him going.  If that makes any sense.  I have gained some weight so I am really nervous about seeing him. Not that I can drop 60 lbs in a week.
Sharon got her dog.  I am hoping that whole drama is over and done.  She said she would write out a statement that Rick never once tried to sell her the dog. She told Michelle that never was said.


Tried to spend time with Rick but Eq was more important.  Hate that game when it is his whole life.

11/14/2013

Yesterday's Drama: Rick took a foster We will call her Moogy..

As per Rick he brought Moogy with him when he came to pick me up.  One of my managers seen her and fell and love and wanted her.  She went down paid the two hundred dollars they gave her a receipt.  THEN said she could not have the dog.  Why? supposedly she was willing to lie on the application giving her son's address.  They knew this before they took her money.  Sue a woman who works for the shelter said she claimed Rick tried to sell her the dog in the parking lot of McDonald's.  Cant see Sharon doing that.  They told Sharon Rick made a big stink.  HE did ONLY because he was mighty offended that they would ask Sharon if Rick tried to take money for the dog right on the spot.  Shoron is going to sew Paws for taking her money but not letting her have the dog.  Of course that Drama from yesterday bled into today when I went to work  I am glad it did not affect my relationship with Sharon.  

Today's Drama Chenoa is moving tried to stick Rick with the bill saying he should have never vouched for her.  OMG what a bitch.  Happy the bitch is moving away and going to Superior.  Rick says he is done talking to her we will see he has said that a few times already and for what ever reason keeps talking to the bitch even though she ALWAYS treats him like crap.  Sad news she has my roaster I need for Thanksgiving and I am sure I am not going to get it back.  Nice that Rick borrowed it out and didn't talk to me. 

Bad enough I borrowed her my sheets and she never gave them back.  

11-11-2013

Woke up this morning did my normal morning stuff.. Went to grab my phone for work got a call from Mike (the ex husband) LOL GRRR It says I love you.
I told him not to do that... (he said that was for his mom?)
Went to work that went well David said that He likes working breakfast with me.  I hope that means more hours.
My boss was Rude to me today was trying to help her learn a new sandwich and she put her hand up and Said we got it.  total dismal like.  OMG how Fucking rude!! she later apologized.  which as a HOLY SHIT move because Lori never apologizes to anyone.
McDonald's Helping hands started today I sold 33 of them I am in the lead!! HECK yeah.  I rock...
My till was over by 13 dollars and I don't know how that could have happened I am normally so careful.  I don't get it.

11*10*2013

Rick had me tell him what was going on.
he said he was going to quit smoking... how he does not have what he needs.  His mom.. wont give him her quit smoking patches even though she does not use them.  I am the one who paid for them.  Even though the woman has stolen his steals his chew.. This pisses me off to to no means.
Work went well I was on back drive.  I sold cookies though it was not busy so it is not like I set any records or anything.
I got off work a bit after 2.  Came home.  Rick was much more attentive.  I know it wont last it never does.  Which frustrates me but right now I am good.  I am real tired though and need to get to bed.
Been playing with my new camera.  I have a picture of the new puppy

Here is a good one of Odin.  

They were funny on my bed earlier I was holding Bella and both Bella and Odin were whining .  It was way to funny.  I don't know why Odin was whining.  Was it that he smelled his mom on her.. and he misses his mom?  Was it that he wanted her to play? I don't know.. it annoyed Rick but I thought it was funny.  

11-10-2013 WHY I WANT TO MOVE OUT

You don't want to spend time with me unless it is on your terms

• You said it was because you were not interested in the things I watch or what ever.  So I record things for you to watch.  YOU STILL DON'T SPEND TIME WITH ME
• So then you said it was because I always BITCH when you spend time with me (Not true) I say nothing and guess what YOU STILL DON'T SPEND TIME WITH ME
• You are busy but as soon as your not busy.  YOU STILL DON'T SPEND TIME WITH ME   

You never want to deal with issues.

• Every time I bring up that we have issues I am a bitch or I am bitching.  This fixes nothing 
• I wrote you cards per your request of things I resented you for You were supposed to sit down and discuss them with me but you never did so I gave them to you.  YOU NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT THEM 
• When I do finally get to tell you what is wrong you make promises to fix things but it never happens.   The only ones expected to change is me and the kids.  I think we did more then our fair share.  

1. I still shop alone 90 percent of the time.  
2. You don't like it I don't either any more thank you I still spend most my time alone.  
3. Your still smoking.  
4. We never deal with anything relationship wise 

• Smoking.. You SAY you want to quit but in realitly you don't.  I know your smarter then I am but I AM NOT STUPID.  You knew when we started this relationship that I NEVER WANTED TO DATE A SMOKER.  You knew this I made it no secret.  I have told you MANY times how it gets in the way of our relationship and fact is  YOU DON'T want to quit because if you REALLY did I know you well enough to know it would happen.
  You asked Tyler to help you to wean you down.  YOU are smoking WAY more then he gives you.
  I have waited for you to quit with every promise and it is only getting worst not better.  It gets better for about a week or two but it goes right back.
  WHY: Because you don't REALLY want to quit
• Just like you never really wanted to get married.
  YOU SAID " I will marry you but I wont be living long" Knowing full well I would call off the wedding I would have to be a heartless bitch not to.  However you STILL eat JUNK>  YOU smoke a TON.  IF YOU REALLY cared about your health you would have
  Started working out
  Stopped smoking
  Eat better.. (You can eat just as healthy with out all the money -that is a cop out) You eat way to big a portions and your need for sweets is what is killing you.  

10/08/2013

Woke up at 5 am I will be doing breakfast next week so I I want to get used to getting up early for work..
At 6 am Rick and I left to Superior to save Hades a pup of Case's That Missy and Andy ended up with.  Missy was threatening to take him to the pound to day so we had to save him.  Once there Rick decides we are taking a puppy I named Bella.  A grey blue nose pit.  She wines every bit as much as Odin.  OMG! Cody wants to keep her but if that falls threw I have a buyer for her.

Came back from Superior went to work.  From work home... DID RICK SPEND TIME WITH ME TODAY now that he is not SUPER busy... OH HELL NO>  HE is playing EVERQUEST.... Why his reason it keeps him awake... Yeah what the hell ever.  It just shows how much important that is then I am.  I was trying to talk to him in the truck.. He was so rude booted me out so he could turn the truck around spouting he was to tired... Went to Ed's to give them the key... Then went to paws and then came home to play his precious game after he has blown me off all Fucking week because he was to busy...

Of course I am treated like a fucking ATM... wants money for this and that not giving a crap that I wanted something with my money yet again.  I was supposed to pay for is Everquest expansion now the third time since we been together.  Buy things for the truck that will will more then likely be taken away ... The car that we just baught needs stuff.  (Did I tell you he is selling his van that I paid for and paid to fix but his friend he is selling it to is making payements (don't know these people but think that is not a good idea))
I am not paying for his everquest he got all moody and said not to pay for it.  said " I guess I don't deserve to play" what ever.  I am tired of putting his wants and needs before my own.  I have been waiting for my camera's back for 3 years... Been waiting to buy a NICE camera for almost 4.  But always what he wants comes first and I am so sick of it.

10/07/13

It is 1:37 am can't sleep..
No real reason why just can't sleep I am going back to bed here soon.

I had my review yesterday out of a possible 20 cent raise i got 15 cents.. I think that is pretty darn good if you ask me.  I am also told that Misty my head boss said I should be crew Trainer... This makes me VERY happy.  I always thought she didn't like me much.  In other good news I got more hours next week looking at 28 hours.  Sherry who started when I did only gets 12 still.  So I guess I am doing well.

Rick has found new friends Ed and April.  They take up most his time these days.  They seem like good people I don't get any bad vibes of them.  But after working at McDonald's all day there are many times I don't want to socialize with them.  He wants to socialize with them ALL the damn time.  I don't know if I really want to make friends It never ends well for me.  They always get pissed off at me for something.  Since they are Rick's friends initially I don't feel right ruining it for him.

Rick still has not gotten paid for that Guitar.  We are now almost $800 behind on the truck.  He borrowed against it saying he would get paid and NEVER did.  at this point I don't care if they take it.  He never pays for it.  He did finally get a job at Pasta Works.  However he will only be working two days a week at first so that is not going to give him a whole lot of money not enough to save his Truck.  I AM NOT paying for it out of MY tax money I paid for his crap for the past two years.  I am not doing it the next two that is MY money and I am keeping it this time.  I want things and this time I am getting them.  He wants me to also finance a business for him and Ed I am not doing it.  He wants to do that kinda thing he best come up with the money I have paid for enough of his business and it always ends bad.  I want a camera one I was supposed to buy 3 years ago.  I was also supposed to get a lot of other things that NEVER came to be.  Hell he can't even make time for me.  I also have to get MY bills paid up in case I want out of all this.  Time to try and sleep...

I am DEEPLY upset.  Coming home RICK asks me to call Affinity the people I got the loan for that damn truck and see if I could refinance the truck he was supposed to pay for but never has... The same truck that he keeps borrowing money from and expects me to make up the money for it.  I am SO sick of it all.  I was crying when I called them.. I called to tell him that it can't be refinanced .. However before I could say a word he told me he didn't have time to talk to me.  So I hung up.  Has time to make sure to get money from me.

Then I was hoping to make it that Cody could keep this new dog we are fostering I asked Rick to talk to Paws and see if he could work out something he said he would.  Now a week later he never has.  Now a adoptive family has been found.  Poor Cody is heart broken.  Rick wants me to take care of it.  HE don't have time.  He is to busy with Ed and April and Tom... HE can go FUCK himself.  he don't have time for his family.

11/03/2013

Been a busy couple of days.
Did I tell you I set down ground rules for Mike?  No more I love you miss you Crap.

Night before last my boss Anna was beaten by her husband and his live in girlfriend.  I am sure your saying WHAT THE FUCK like I did.  I guess as she tells it he wanted a baby being old she can't do that any more.  So she gave the ok to start sleeping with another woman so she could have his baby.  However the woman has medical problems and can't get pregnant.  I guess Anna and this man have been married 14 years he has hit her several times.  Why woman stay with people who would dare hit them is beyond me.  She is safe now I pray she will not go back to this man no matter how fucking sweet he is to her.
 Anna was at work today she was in better spirts then yesterday.   Listening to her cry I felt so bad for her.. It made me want to cry.

Met a man named Ramigo today.  Now I am not Prejudice by all means.  To me Nigger is not a color but a frame of mind.  A Nigger will do what ever and hurt whom ever to get what they want.  This man is a straight up NIGGER... He beat one woman .. Infront of his new woman he said " I keep my Whoes in line" Though that woman was not much better Had her Tiny baby out in the cold was just a blanket.  Put her baby in the car and let her ass crack hang out for a GOOD long time.

Started work at 7 am.  I was soo tired when I started even with the clocks set back an hour I was exhausted. I was only supposed to work till 2:30 but Josh asked me to stay till 4 so Misty his boss could get some work done.. I said yeah but my ass was already dragging so I was going to have some major skid marks on my back side.   She left about 1 when she got a call that said her Grandfather was not going to make it poor woman.  That has to be so hard for her.

Got off at 4 had to wait till Rick came to get me and again I had to buy everyone dinner.  UGG!!

11/01/2013

I had to text Mike some ground rules today.
No more of this he will always love me crap.. That he thinks of me misses me shit...
I find it to be very disrespectful that he would do that to my relationship with Rick... I told him of course Rick knows.  I can't be mean and tell him not to call.. I just don't have it in me.  I wont call him.  I am ok with texting because it is not really real.  But to CALL him well I just don't want to.